Hi! As you see, my goal of twice a month didn’t happen last month. I never remember what happened the day I didn’t do as I had planned. Here we are, a new month, a new try to get the rhythm. Life has been busy with kids in sports. All of that amongst other things going on. Since last time, I enjoyed another Hearts of Beauty retreat. (heartsofbeauty.org) I was preparing a craft for this weekend, which took a lot of time. You never know how much something takes until you do it. Then, you try and figure out how to do it better next time. With that, we did a recent thing at work that this applied to. Do you ever meet a person and just think about what they think of you? That happened to me yesterday. I just thought, do you realize who you are talking to?
The question continues…
My mind went to all of what has happened in my life. If they knew, what would they think? Then to basically say, “Hi, I’m this or that.” So, I was pondering about the trauma I have been through in childhood. The people who wronged me and the people who were there for me just as I needed. Would they understand me and accept me knowing all of the things about me or would they reject me? Do they even want to know the real me? Or is it too much? It’s like, I had attacks from the enemy to pull me down. I have been down for so long. My direction has changed, but I still went through all of what happened to me and what it made me feel and choose.
Why do I think this?
With trauma, you are a victim. I chose the victim mindset for so many years of my life. It has been only in the last 5 years that I have been working my way out of the trenches, with God. I have tried before this on my own or just asking for reprieve from someone or something. Drowning in bad habits. There are different types of habits that I went through. Food, smoking cigarettes, drinking, caffeine, and sugar addictions. Then complaining, woe is me thinking, selfishness, pride, or other things. Talking to each person about what happened. They thought this was to get attention or a reaction. What it really was, was trauma happened, and I needed help getting in, around, and through it.
How much time was spent?
I am 41 years old, so from age 6 to 5 years ago makes 30 years wasted in unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, and all that comes with it. It’s not that I always wanted to be the victim, I just needed help out and I found it through Jesus, God, and Holy Spirit work. That paired with believers who have prayed for me as the chains are being broken. To this individual, I wanted to say, “I am a child who was damaged.” There were people around who hurt me intentionally and others who hurt me unintentionally. It was hard to tell the difference because communication doesn’t always happen. I didn’t really know how to communicate well, or so I thought. I am learning how I did it right and how I did it wrong.
What helped me through childhood?
Those who lifted me up were blessed by my presence. Not that I am all that, but lonely people who I would go to their house and talk with them daily. My neighbor across the street was a sweet lady who would take time to listen to me and talk to me. I was also the one there for her who listened and talked to her. She was a blessing in my life. Time with her gave me a reason to be alive at that time. Not that I thought as a child about ending anything, but that days were lonely otherwise. Then, my preschool teacher who also lived in the neighborhood and would talk to me. I think I would go to her house even after I was out of preschool. Some of it was a blur, but what I know is I felt accepted, wanted, important, and seen.
What stirred this?
A handshake and saying, “Hi” to a stranger. Someone who doesn’t know me but approached me and introduced themselves in a confident manner. It was like they could see me and knew me without saying a word. God at work. There are amazing people out there. They have their irreplaceable roles. God had this individual fly and come just to be here. I was so blessed by that one interaction. You really never know what one little thing or gesture can do for a person. What healing it can bring as they think on the interaction and absorb what was happening in that moment later on. A loving father figure saw me for me. I wanted to say, do you see this damaged child inside? Do you really know who I am? Do I know who I am?
Searching…
I am searching for answers to this. The best place I need to hone into an answer for this is in the Word of God. I was once lost and now I am found. Was blind and now my eyes are opening to see. I see God working in so many ways if I slow down and pay attention. He is giving me gentle reminders to work through. I am a precious child of God. A daughter of the Most High King. I am beloved, chosen, refined, and so much more than I know. There is a purpose and plan for my life. All this and more the good Word of God says, and it’s for all of His creation. That doesn’t mean I can do what I want when I want. In relationship, you have others or the other in the relationship to think about. In this case, God.
God’s love…
It amazes me to think about how much God loves us and all He has done for us. This God above wants communication and relationship with us. He thinks of us as precious children. Not like what we may have been treated like as children or what we treat our children like. (I am guilty of being human and making mistakes in the rearing of my children.) When we play and learn, He delights in us. If we are down, He is sad with us. He has a compassion for us that we can’t even fathom. What a wonderful and mighty God we serve, if we choose to. He lets us go and gives us a choice, Him or hell. There are things we let go of, but we become so much freer if we let those empty things go.
Back to my bad habits…
Sugar was my first real addiction I know of, and that was before they said it was addictive. I knew that I was addicted to it as it was hard to stop eating it. I haven’t taken it fully out but have dwindled down on the intake. In what I can, I have switched to honey instead of sugar. If I have sugar, I go with turbinado sugar. Not the bleached sugar. Smoking, if you recall, I recently became free of after 20 years of avoiding it myself. In my strength, I had cravings. With God, the cravings are gone. Now to be tested at work with those who smoke around me. Alcohol would make me mean and crabby for 2 days. That was what made me slow down on that bad habit.
The other side…
I am renewing my mind by being thankful for what I am thankful for and focusing on that more that the latter. Focusing on the ungratefulness and unmet expectations of life bring us to speaking and receiving death. Life and death are in the power of the tongue. God is really working with me on the complaining. I learned recently that you have to name the issue to deal with it properly. Like admitting you have a problem and facing it. If we are weak to face it, God in the Holy Spirit becomes our strength if we only ask. Tonight they said to keep Asking, Seeking, and Knocking on the door. All the bad will be used for good by God. How? I have no clue. But, if you look closely to some things that have happened, you may see the way God used bad for good.
Prayer…
Heavenly Father, prepare our hearts, Lord. Show us the way to be living according to Your purpose and plan for our lives. Help us to be humble and accept Your gift of healing. Thank You for sending Your son to die on the cross to redeem our sins, since we didn’t have the capacity alone. Help us understand that more. Lead us and guide us in Your right paths. We are tired of racing in circles when You hold the answers to our desires. Show us each what we need just as we need it. Protect us and guide us in the way we should go and help us not part from it. Holy Spirit, please cover what we cannot see and work as only You can with the knowledge of God. We ask this in Jesus mighty and precious name, Amen.