Basically, the last time I posted was March 2nd. Soon after that time, I came into a deep depression. There was everything crashing around me that came to a hopelessness. All I could do was cry and sleep. It’s hard to know what really brought me to that point. I feel like it was the suppressed feelings I had about what all was going on without realizing I was feeling it. Like I have learned so well how to mask what I was feeling, I don’t even realize what I’m feeling. I had transitions happening in all the ways. My oldest moving. The middle child graduating from high school. Then the youngest left as a minor. On top of all of that was the movement and transitions at work. Then add relationship issues. It was all crumbling around me.
Last Post….
My next post was started just after I placed the post. The plan was to do a little each day during the week instead of the whole post at once as I had been doing before. I wanted to simplify the time from 2-3 hours plus time to 20 minutes a few times a week. It’s a nice thought, but opposition comes when you have a plan. Especially when the plan is good and helpful to lessen your stress. The enemy wants to keep you distracted and out of your purpose. It’s like, you know you can do this and make it easier on yourself. You do the same thing over and over until you get tired. Then, you realize you have to step back, pray, and look for a different way. That process happens, an answer comes, then there’s the opposition.
Today and Yesterday….
As I was listening to the sermon at Church today, I realized that I need to write things down so that I can run with them. (Habakkuk 2:2) It was a mixture at what I heard yesterday at business training school and today at Church. God has a plan for me. It involves this blog, a vlog, music writing, a men’s ministry, being a junction point that is mobile for God’s glory, being a life coach, learning sign language, maybe Hebrew, and more. I don’t know when these will come to pass, but I know they are promises God has for me. Today we went over Joshua 14 talking about people of Isreal not having the promise fulfilled yet but set in stone for what was to come through God’s help. Yesterday was about writing down your “why” so you have in front of you the reason for your tasks.
Why post today after so long?
If you haven’t figured out by my blog, I have been diagnosed with ADD. I can jump subjects like no other. Sometimes it will make sense quickly, other times not so much. Today, our pastor mentioned Hebrews 11:1. This is not the only time since the last post, just the first that I was more obedient and realizing His will for my time to do so. In other words, I was disobedient to his other requests. I repent Lord for not listening to understand 2, 3, or more times. Please help me further in remembering. In my weakness, I need You Lord to be my strength. Thank You, Lord, for helping me get back to the task today. In Jesus’ name, Amen. To God be the glory for my good achievements. When I heard that verse in scripture, I knew it was time to get back to it.
Depression….
I have probably had depression my whole life, I just never realized it. In my home growing up, I would witness my mom lay in bed and not want to move. She was always tired. It was then that I had to pick up and take care of things for her. It felt like I had to adult when she wasn’t able to, not because she said so, but because she couldn’t. In my case, I am not sure how many down times I have had as an adult. This last one felt like there was a heaviness over me. All I wanted to do was lie down and sleep. It seemed like everyone was up against me and all I could do was cry. Instead of stuffing these feelings down, I felt them and they were released.
Running Thoughts….
As discussed in Church this morning, you can have negative thoughts, and they will spread like a wildfire. The opposite is having good thoughts of what will come and not worrying about the one thing that could go wrong. What I know that was happening, was how my mind runs in circles about the negative things. I hook onto it and run with it over and over again, until I feel it and cry. When I feel and release my emotions, it helps me immensely. This is a new turn for me, as I have avoided my feelings for so much of my life. I didn’t know how to handle them or see them. I am healing through loving myself and giving myself grace. Others may not give it to me or treat me well, but I can do it for me. You can do it for you, too.
Other Pieces….
I have my kids growing up. They are closer to adult life. The questions come, did I do enough to prepare them for the world they will face? What did I need to teach them that they may receive now? Then trying to get jobs for kids who don’t drive. Working that around your work schedule. Add on the trip you are trying to pay for your child through a school program that you can’t afford either way. You are trying to get it done for them, but they need the job to pay for the rest. Or some willing donors. It’s a great opportunity for them, but the cost is high. Don’t forget regular life and cost of Marching Band. All while dealing with the debt you racked up not foreseeing these future costs of time and money. A lot of stress.
And Then….
Not only did my child graduate. He was in sports, so there are sports achievement awards. The school has a CTC he was able to do, add another award ceremony. You get there and no seats available for all the parents to sit and enjoy. Another ceremony called the Baccalaureate. Then, don’t forget graduation. What a mess. Another day, 3-5 sports events, one for one child and a concert band for another child all in one night. You also have no seats because the parking lot was packed further than you expected. So many stresses where I feel everything that is upsetting to my husband and myself and others around. I absorb their feelings. I feel them. Not on purpose, it just happens. The last straw on the camel’s back is planning a graduation party with so many other kids having the same event at the same time.
All of This And….
Don’t forget all the regular stresses you have in life without the added events. Breakups for your children and new people to adjust to. Your spouse doesn’t see all the things you see that need to take place to prepare for a party or anything. Work has no clue as to what is going on in home life, and they are zoning in on the one thing you do wrong vs. what you are doing right. The focus, you are late by 5-10 minutes perpetually, and sometimes more. Ok, I need to fix that. I couldn’t even hold back the tears when I was so stressed about knowing the possibility of being late and written up. At the other office, you are moved like a nomad from office to office. No big deal for a time, until they continue after they gave their word that you have a designated office.
Why did all of this matter?
I really felt invaluable to everyone for everything. Like, I’m necessary to be there to do the work, but nothing more. Once I have done the work, I have no more value to anyone. They didn’t have to lift a finger, or they had a lot less to do or think about. Then, they wonder why I am under such a load of stress so often. It’s because I take on things that should be other people’s responsibilities and not mine. I grew up with knowing what people needed and reading them. My friend shared this post that nailed it. My love language is acts of service…but my trauma response is doing everything myself so no one can let me down or hold it over my head. It’s sad really.
What helped?
I like kids’ movies or shows in general that help explain my situation. The song that came to mind was from Encanto called Surface Pressure. As I listened to that song, I could release my feelings through tears. I was able to feel the feelings I felt and safely release them. It took a lot of pressure off. I feel like I have done this a lot of my life, but more in the recent years of life. One show that helps me release and think through the bible is The Chosen. I know that there are mixed reviews on this show. They use all these people of different religious background to create the show, and some may not be as accurate. How many movies and shows do we watch that do this? Then, I release more when I am watching the show alone than with others.
Holding Up the Load….
If there is something to do, I will try and hold the load by myself. When I ask others, they may not understand, and it becomes a mess. This makes it easier to rely on myself. That’s not how it should be. You should be able to rely on others to do their part. We now need to let them help and lead them in how you need help with clear communication. What I found that helps is to let go of the load and asking God for guidance. For me, God told me to not worry about the house as much and to leave it to my husband. He wants me to work on other things. The reason He showed me this is because my husband is to be the head and this will help him lead. Also, I was doing too much for everyone and enabling them.
What does that mean?
The kids will put off something, say cleaning their room or doing their chores. If the room was put off long enough, I would just do it. This is after months and months creating a mountain of cleaning. I am not sure if they also deal with depression or something that makes them feel overwhelmed and unable to clean their room and keep it up. Two of my kids have had the pleasure of me spending 6-8 hours straight cleaning their room. Within the week, or sometimes the hour, it would be back to a mess. I would be cleaning the rest of the house more and they would come behind me room after room and gradually undo the work I did. It was infuriating. A clean house brings me peace, and they didn’t seem to care or see what peace it could bring. It wasn’t important to them.
What else did I do?
I got up, got kids up, got them to school, went to school for myself, picked them all up, helped them with their homework, made dinner, hung out with my husband binge watching TV shows, somewhere in there did my homework, went to bed and did it all over again day after day. The kids would have chores that should be done, that I would have to sit over them to have them do. I would play a game on my phone to get through the wait of being in the room while they were cleaning. It was exhausting. I am sure there are people out there who think I should have done this or that and shouldn’t have to sit in the room for the work to be done. Whatever it was, I wasn’t assertive and couldn’t get anywhere. It was a perpetual circle of chaos.
Why did this happen?
I was not in step with God and His plan for me, I was self-reliant. My focus was not on the right thing. I wasn’t taught how to have people be compliant, just how I need to be compliant without question. No one was listening to understand me. On the same token, I was not listening to understand others. Therefore, I was not sowing what I wanted to reap. I expected it from others when I wasn’t doing it myself. It hit the hardest when my child ended up in distress. She was crying at me with tears running down her face and instead of the regular back and forth, I listened to understand. This took ego out and pride down, which led to a repair in our relationship before it became worse. That was the start of a step to God’s will and not my own.
Then What….
With that started a new perspective on life in God’s order. Respect, listening to understand, love, and more. When I was an adult, I left my home in a huff. Listening to understand kept me from having the same outcome with my child/young adult. I was changing for good and she was an audience for 2 years of this change. God first, husband, kids, and then the rest. There was distress in my marriage that was basically 2 wounded people from life that didn’t heal and were bringing their wounds to the marriage and raising kids. At this point, I could only do my part. You see, God gave us each a choice, and I had to give the choice to my spouse on his living, and I chose my new living. I didn’t have much relationship with my husband, but I was growing in my relationship with God.
How long did that remain the case?
This change happened in 2021-2022, right after Covid. I have worked on my relationship with God. The work on relationship with my husband is still a work in progress. I was wounded by actions of my husband over the years. Some of it was a trigger moment to traumas of my life. Then, my triggers would trigger him in a negative way. What I’m leading to is it wasn’t overnight and it isn’t to full fruition yet. We heard in Church this morning about the Israelites having the promise of the promised land but not living in the promise yet. God gave them a promise that they could trust, but it hadn’t come to fruition yet. With that, we don’t know how long, but we know God will do it in His timing.
What does that mean, His timing?
For the Israelites, their time wandering in the wilderness was to give time to get Egypt out of them. They were comfortable in their prison in Egypt. Initially, they complained and wanted out. Then, when their prayer was answered, they complained and wanted to go back to the slavery and Egyptian food. For Caleb, it was 45 years. The women who bled was 12 years. We don’t know the time or the hour. All we need is that God gave His promise and He will fulfill it. We need only ask, seek, knock, pray, fast, and work on relationship with Him. He will pull us through. Peter took his eyes off of Jesus when walking on the water and that’s when he fell. Basically, God wants the glory, and He wants our hearts in relationship with Him.
Have I waited in peace?
Only when I keep my focus on Him in the storm. What I don’t know, He teaches me as I humble myself. What also helped is forgiveness to my husband, my kids, and others. Then working on my part and my struggles with His help. Taking the lies I believed and replacing them with truth. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30) We need to give it to Him (1 Peter 5:7) and trust Him (Proverbs 3:5-6). If I do it in my strength, the peace is gone, chaos ensues, and insanity is reached. I need to do it in His strength for His glory to bring more souls to Him. I am nothing without Him. (John 15:4-5) He created my inmost parts. (Psalm 139:13-14) Everyone and everything was created for a purpose. (Jeremiah 29:11) In other words, I am not perfect. I need His help.
Testimony:
The above is a testimony for what God has done and what He is doing in and through me. Not in my own strength or ability, but in His. In some ways, I see what God is doing in and through me, other times, I have no idea. I can trust Him in everything, as He is not a human who will disappoint or break His covenant with me. I speak as though it has happened, though it has not yet taken place. (Romans 4:17) I recall the good things God has worked in my life. He helped me quit smoking and no longer have the cravings after I gave it to Him. Same with the healing in the abusive relationship I was in before. He has worked all things together for His good.
Prayers….
Heavenly Father, please help those who come to my blog and those who don’t. Touch them where they are at with what they are going through. Help them see what you are showing them through each storm and help them see the purpose as You unfold the truth in front of them. It may not look promising in the moments but help them Pray for their spouse and their enemies as You would have them do. Lead them in full forgiveness and healing. Show them Your will and way in their life. Reveal their purpose. Lead them in paths of righteousness for Your name’s sake. Show them Your love for them and make them whole again. We lift up all of our brothers and sisters in Christ and the lost. We thank You, Father, for Your goodness and mercy. Holy Spirit cover what we do not know or see. In Jesus’ mighty and precious name, Amen
Luigi/Squirrel Update:
They did not see improvement for Luigi; therefore, they put him out of his misery humanely. He is no longer in pain on this earth. We gave him his best chance of survival. It was probably for the best with the cats we have loose in the neighborhood. Our Luigi adventure was fun and a good learning experience while it lasted. I learned patience, spent time outside without a phone, and used bravery to help a creature lesser than myself. There is probably more to it that I don’t realize God was preparing me for. In time, I will see the full purpose to this situation.