You may think that because one area in my life is healed and I am walking with God that this means all is well. There are many trials that I face and everyone faces daily that are not known. What I have been tempted with lately is seeing a cigarette carton on the ground here and there. The last time I smoked was December 2004. It was then that I realized I might be pregnant. Therefore, I quit. Many years have gone by where I have wanted to pick up this bad habit again. I give God the credit for it staying down and now is gone from my cravings list.
What triggers my craving?
It comes when I’m stressed. I would go to a cigarette every time I became stressed. Smoking would calm my nerves. I would do this instead of eating a meal or processing the feelings. Stress hit at a certain level, and soon after, I was out for a smoke. The stress would dissipate, but the processing to relieve it never fully happened. I had one stuffed feeling on top of another. I was addicted to breathing is what I realized. Holding my fingers up to my mouth to mimic the act of smoking. Breathing in and out would calm me down with or without the cigarette. As I quit, instead of smoking while driving I would eat or drink soda while driving. Adding on a new bad habit.
When did this habit start?
At age 12 is when I tried a cigarette for the second time. The first time I don’t fully count because I didn’t breathe it in. An adult handed me a cigarette to try on a cold night as they had found a pack and wanted to know if I would like it. I’m not sure of their intentions. I pretended to breath it in and breathed out. The frosty cold air made it look like I was breathing out the smoke. The other thing I don’t count are the candy cigarettes we would buy from the ice cream truck to pretend with. Oh, how they set us up for addictions in so many ways. So, age 12 is when it started. I quit at the age of 15. Then picked it back up at 18 and stopped at 21 years old.
How have I stayed away this long?
As a child, my grandmother died of cancer. I never wanted to pick up smoking because I knew the link of that to cancer from health class. There was a picture of a pink lung next to a black smokers lung in the book. It hurt so much when she died. I didn’t want to do that to anyone else. I wanted to be a better example for my kids. Again, God is the only real reason I have made it this long without cigarettes. In the beginning, I had an idea that I was pregnant and quit. It would have hurt my baby if I continued. On top of that, I knew actions spoke louder than words and that my kids would repeat what I did. That’s why I needed to stop, to show them it’s not worth it.
Was that all?
Not exactly. When I get highly stressed, I went through this thought process. First, I would think of the example I would give my kids. Second, my husband said he would prefer that I don’t smoke. Then, later, they added this FSA tag on all the cigarettes and that was more poison going into your body that was not worth starting up again. I am not against anyone who smokes, it’s your choice. This is only my journey. I found myself replacing my need for cigarettes with other things. Anything from sugar, candy, caffeine, soda, junk food, or anything else that I would overindulge on. Sometimes drowning myself in TV or movies that would avoid what I was feeling. One bad habit was usually replaced with another.
How bad was it?
I would have dreams where I was smoking in them. It would feel so real that it made me feel guilty. Outside of those dreams, I did buy a cigar to keep on hand in my purse. When stressed, I would pull out the item and inhale the aroma. It was sweet smelling. I stood at the front checkout and would be near temptation daily. Nothing was stopping me from pulling out a lighter and going for it. God had His hand on it, or I would have given in. Now, I am seeing some cartons here and there on the road. I have stopped and picked up a carton from the road, not for myself, but to keep kids from getting ahold of what they shouldn’t start. Others, I have driven by. The temptation no longer exists for me. To God be the glory!
My other replacements…
My mom gave me candy to replace the cigarette craving. This is when I was 15 years old. She bought me life savers mints. I would chew on these daily. As time went on, soda replaced candy. These two habits brought cavities to my life. Those are not cheap to maintain. When I got older, alcohol was another replacement. What helped me kick that is when I drank in front of someone who went through AA. I felt so guilty of being a potential stumbling block. That paired with the angry person I would become for 3 days when I drank. It was time to take these things out of my life. Alcohol is a depressant, I learned in high school. You get a high and then drop low when you don’t have it. Then, it takes more to get the buzz and makes you drop lower each time.
Bad things had to go…
I was gaining so much weight. It was too much to bear to walk sometimes. Alcohol had gone. Then, soda had to go. If I gave in to a little, it would build and build till it became a daily thing. I know that carbonated beverages deteriorate your bones and decided to take that out. If I have a little, it builds quickly, so I have to say no. I still have my caffeine through coffee and chocolate, though. The cravings for these are not as intense as the other items. Then, food can be an issue for me too. I will overindulge and feel crappy for some time when that happens. Like stuffing my feelings, but stuffing my face. It literally feels like one addiction traded for another and another, becoming a vicious cycle.
All this to say…
God has things He is healing in me. That doesn’t mean all is well in every area of my life. The spiritual warfare is real. God didn’t say it would be easy and all is well. He said you will have trials and tribulation in this world, but fear not, I have overcome the world. (John 16:33) A win in my life doesn’t mean all bad things disappear. It simply means I am focusing on and thankful for the good God is redeeming in my life. He will take care of what the locusts tried to take. (Joel 2:25-32) Each healing I have with God’s help means that I didn’t have to work on alone in my own power. In my weakness, God remained my strength as His word says. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
In conclusion…
We are all in our own battle. There are different strengths and weaknesses we each have. Good things abounding doesn’t mean that bad isn’t going on at the same time. It’s a shift in mindset and what is good to focus on. Focusing on good helps outweigh the bad. The more we speak on the good things, the better life becomes. Not because there’s no bad, but because our focus has changed. Think about this. What are you focusing on? When you focus on that, how does it feel? What if you find something to be thankful for in the bad, then how do you feel? The more you practice this, the easier it becomes as anything in life.
One more important thing…
I love you. You are amazing. Putting your talents to good use brings out your best, making you fulfilled. Watching you from afar, I love to see the child like wonder in your eyes. You do so much for so many, remember to care for yourself as you do others. I am proud of the person you are becoming. There is no one who can take your place, you are irreplaceable. You think from an angle that only you can and that helps us collectively as a whole. We need you. We need everyone. Don’t try to be someone else, you are perfect the way you are. You have been loved your whole life from a heavenly Father who is willing to wait for you. (1 John 4:9-10) You were made for a purpose and a plan. (Ephesians 2:10) To God be the Glory!