The mask continues to come off in my walk with Jesus. Those in my house will see more of what is bothering me, as will I. That may seem odd, but that is how long I have worn all my problems inside. I am becoming assertive to my needs more and more. I was programmed by life lessons to be a certain way. One thing was permitted, but other things were not. Ideas of the adults I grew up around that were simply the world in their head. What we act like and what is normal, is not what it was meant to be. It has been slowly twisted over time. Reading the Bible will reveal the truth. My favorite version is King James Version, because it uses Early Modern English like Shakespeare.
Take Siblings for Instance…
Is it really our job to fight and quarrel as we do, or are we meant for more? I mean, think about it. We are called to be brothers and sisters in Christ. I have sisters and a brother. All we did as kids is get on each others nerves one way or another. Pushing the buttons for what could aggravate the issue at hand. Not always on purpose, but sometimes. Is that what the Bible is talking about? I don’t think that’s the kind of picture we should be painting in our Christian relationships. Instead, God wants us to use our gifts and work collectively as a team. All of us humbling ourselves and putting Jesus Christ as the head in relationship with us vertically, then that moves into our horizontal relationships. Not merely relying on our emotions leading us, but God leading us.
What do we tend to do?
Our emotions lead the way as teenagers. That is where we are developmentally when we react to anything emotionally. I recently heard this and realized that I am not much higher at controlling my emotions from teenage years at 40 years old. Yikes. What caused me to be like this? I have heard that you are mentally at the age you were when you experienced high trauma. This is what I learned in high school in Psychology. For me, I experienced trauma as a kid. First at birth, where the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck so many times. Then, through other things in my life. I have many ages of major trauma. At birth, then age 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, 12, 14, 15 and 19. Wow, what God has brought me through.
Age breakdown…
I gave you what the birth trauma was, or at least some of it. At age 3, I gained a new sibling and went through mom’s post-partum depression and again at 5 and 15. Then, at around age 6, my brother with special needs tossing me to and fro, biting me, and pushing me down the stairs. I was 7 when my grandma died and I had 2 cousins doing things they shouldn’t to me. I was 9 when the family found out about one cousin and 12 when they found out about the other. In between, they didn’t do much for one because I would have to testify in court at age 9 which allowed more issues. The other cousin did have court involved, on his own confessions. Age 14, finishing up changes as a young woman. Last, age 19, the abusive relationship where God started my healing.
Healing = Love and Forgiving…
I tell you my life story not to condemn those who have harmed me. They are human, they are sinners who fall short of the glory of God as I do, God will deal with them as I give them to God. Revenge is mine, saith the Lord. Forgive them so that I may forgive you your sins is also what God tells us. I forgive them so that I am free from the bond of holding a grudge and building up bitterness and resentment. Then, because I give it to God, He can move on the revenge portion. This is not what we think it will be in the form for revenge. Why? Because we are human and can’t see the whole picture. He will have mercy and grace for them as He has for me. I didn’t deserve it and neither do they, but God is love.
God seems to work backwards for me…
There were some current events that lead to my healing process. It was as if it was all being pulled together as a piece of the big puzzle. As I drew closer to God and reading His word, He revealed little by little. Last year, I was healed from the abusive relationship. Now, I am writing letters of rough draft to what I need to talk to family about for my cousins, and other present predicaments. As if to have a current problem revealing the adult observation to the teenage and child observations I have concluded before. It really opens your eyes to what was really going on. All the selfishness and pride of people, hearts being deceitful, and all the behind the scenes of our human nature. Then, all of the human problem solving that took place without God in it.
Other areas that started as my doing to God’s doing…
I am also healed of my urge to smoke cigarette’s. At first, I was doing this in my own strength. Using mental thought and other tactics to keep me on track. Now, I am healed. I started smoking, even though my grandma who died when I was 7 years old, died of cancer and smoked. Initially, I said I would never do that, and then I did. I would quit smoking and replace it with candy. Periodically, I would drown my sorrows in an alcoholic drink. Simply put, replacing one addiction for another, as is easy to do. Cigarettes/cigars, alcohol, sugar, and now caffeine. Take out one issue and replace it with another type of issue. Each addiction simply taking the place of another.
What were my mental tactics?
When did I smoke? When I was stressed or hungry. If I felt hungry, smoking was my meal replacement. High stress also triggered the need. In December 2004, I had the idea that I may be pregnant. With that, I chose that it was time to quit smoking altogether. If I felt the urge, I simply reminded myself of not wanting to have my kids smoke. I walked through, kids copying, cost of smoking, and last my health risks. Later down the road I could add the toxic FSC, making it much worse for your health. I would have dreams of smoking and feel guilty for giving in. I finally was past it in 2024 with God’s help.
How long did I fight on my own strength?
Twenty years of fighting in my own strength. At work, I would simply smell the cigars any time I had a craving. I bought one to bring home and smell, even. However, that became a temptation and the kids had access to my purse, so I was rid of it in the trash soon after. Cravings came and went each year. Holidays and certain events would trigger the stress and make me want just one. I knew it would not end with just one and my time for quitting would start over. I understood my weakness. There couldn’t be an inch of only a little, it had to be none. I could go months without a craving, then boom, there it is. As long as I was craving it and dreaming it was happening as if for real, it was not resolved. Giving it to God was key.
How did I give it to God?
I really didn’t know that I was giving it to God. If I felt guilty, like with the dreams, I would wake up and repent. On and off, I am strong at putting on the Armor of God daily. Some days I read more in my Bible than others. The more I searched for other issues, not even the one I had here, the more healing came. I worked on other things and wasn’t fully thinking on how I had repented of my sin. This meant that I wasn’t feeling guilty for what I did because I gave it to God and moved forward. How I knew it was cartons of cigarettes showed up on the road. I stopped and picked it up worried a kid would have access to it, but it was empty. Seeing boxes, but no more cravings showed my healing.
My next step in healing…
In a big storm, I was given my next steps to healing that need to take place. These are through current and past relationships over a similar issue, communication. Those are the battles that began to prevent me from sharing my testimony at HOB in September. A family gathering where I was walking in the room causing others to leave because of what someone told them. Then, something related to my child and her interactions with another child. One being the current issue, the other being the past issue. Talking through some of the current issue had brought understanding to the kids parent explaining why I am the way that I am. The next step is writing each of them a letter.
What will you do with the letters?
I will write the letters to continue in my healing process. This will give room to my full emotions on the issues. These will not be the ones I send or present to those who they are for. I am simply writing what I am feeling, fully exposing the issues in my imagination of the situation. At least for sure my perspective of the situation with what is in my head. More information is being figured out to fill in the gaps of my imagination. Clarifying questions to not accuse, but understand the situation fully. I will then pray over next actions to take and show my husband the letters. He will then ask me questions that I may not have thought of and give me a different perspective.
Why involve your husband?
When we were married, my issues became his and vice versa. If it affects me, it affects him. He is not as close to the issue and will ask me questions that will add more depth to what is going on. Sometimes, he points out really good things that help me in my train of thought. Working together and praying will help this issue be worked through properly. Not in our thoughts only, but with God in the middle of the problem. This is the key to full healing unlike any other. Once you have had that healing and understand the weight it takes off your shoulders, it makes it easier to trust God more and more. God designed my husband and I as a team.
Then what?
Once we are sure that it is time to share the letters, we will. It may also be a situation where you don’t share it with them and God will do the work. I have experienced that action also. There was a really difficult issue I was dealing with over a situation and I didn’t bring it to the person. My friend and I prayed over it and after some time, the issues were resolved. How? God’s movement on the other parties heart with them in right relationship with God. Sometimes God wants it that way and sometimes we have to confront. Both of these issues are for me to confront when the letters are finished. I am slowly preparing and moving with God on these issues.
How do I decide the way to share the letter?
First, we begin with praying to God for guidance on that question. There are several ways to hear from God. Sometimes, you hear a still small voice as you’re quiet in God’s presence. Other times, you will be reading the word or hearing a bible story on the radio about just what you need when you need it. There are times God will send you certain people who present information to you and it will be confirmed through another person or source. It seems that when you stop focusing on the answer for the problem, it pops in your head. Like when I had the letter to write, I forgot about it, then found it pop out just when it was time to send it. Next, you decide if they are believers or unbelievers and move accordingly.
What if they are not believers…
If I am in a relationship with an unbeliever, that is a friend or any relationship, then I have a different approach to take in quarrels. I simply voice truth and hope that speaks to their heart. Trying to win them over to Jesus and relationship with Him. If they choose to not listen, I simply leave peacefully and dust off my feet as is stated in Matthew 10: 13-15. Does that mean that I am going to be a bully or mean to that person, just because? No. I will be cordial with them if I am to interact with them, showing them the love of Jesus. However, I will have my guard up and not allow them as much access in my life. Look at Proverbs 22: 24-27, then later in Proverbs 23: 9.
What if they are believers…
Refer to Matthew 18 for this one. If a brother has wronged you, go and tell your brother in secret. There are two ways from here, if they listen, you have gained your brother. However, if he doesn’t listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that the testimony of those other witnesses may be confirmed. Then, if he still refuses to listen, tell it to the Church. After all that, if they still refuse, you then treat them as an unbeliever or Gentile and a tax collector and they will not be welcome in the Church. Each time, there was a chance for you to have your brother listen and you have gained your brother. That is the hope each time. So that what we agree on and ask for in prayer in unity may be answered.
That seems simple, but hard at the same time.
It is simple. God said, “My yoke is easy, but my burden is light.” If I involve God, it is easier and quicker than doing it in my own strength. It is hard because we have to confront another human on their sin and deal with the consequences of their reaction. This may be that they understand and accept what we say. It may be that they are convicted and need some time to work through it. Or, they may not take it well at all and try and do as they did when I was a child. The possibilities are endless. It all depends on what hurt they are carrying forward from their past that will be taken out on you. I am simply praying for them to have their heart opened and receive the truth in love.
What did they do when you were a child?
Well, they handled it in human anger. On the verge of giving full vent of their anger on a 9-year old child that was not their own. I was cornered in a half-bath with a washer and dryer going to drown out any noise. This may have been so that others didn’t hear what we were talking about or so I would not be heard in their reaction. I wasn’t going to wait to find out telling the truth. She hovered over me and angrily asked if my cousin had done anything to me? I froze. My mind was racing on how to get out safely. If I tell the truth, what will happen, if I lie, what will happen. What should I do? I said, “no,” hoping she would believe the lie and that I could get home to safety.
What a horrible thing…
Trauma is trauma. It’s different for each person. An event that is triggered by other events that make you go back to that day as if it was today. Again, I have been angry for years at how I was treated. I allowed the anger and resentment thing to take over. I was even rejected in a way at family gatherings and he was accepted, being the perpetrator. Then and through my life, lots of anger my family had to deal with. Lots of emotions anyone in my life has dealt with the consequences of my hurt. I was angry and took it out in many ways along my life. What she has done, what he has done, what others have done in this situation, even what I have done, God can turn for good.
Pay attention to what provokes you…
I need to pay attention to what triggers this memory. What actions of people today make me scared or angry like I was that day over what happened to me. This will help me in my healing for that event. People react to you because of what it’s triggering in them from the past, even if it doesn’t relate to you. What does provoke me to anger is disrespect. I need to find the root of that. There are so many triggers for me in my life, it wouldn’t all fit in this post. I heard Priscilla Shier say, “if God isn’t giving you a new word, go back to the last one He gave you.” So, the focus I need help with, God, is what relates to this memory. What makes it pop out and causes me to react. Help me work through it, in Jesus’s name, Amen.
This is why the letters…
The last thing God gave me to work on is the letters. I have put it off for a month and a half. This person is in some of the same circles in kids school events, because her grandchildren are a part of it. I am and have been cordial to her in conversations at these events if I see her. Then, the last straw happened that made me feel the need to move on communicating and resolving all issues. These issues go from age 7 to now, which is 33 years. This is because I was trying to resolve it in my own strength. Now, it is about to be resolved in 12 months, more or less, with God. He knows both my heart and her heart and my cousins heart and can move in all of us at once.
How I am doing this…
I am stepping out of this situation, looking at the whole picture, praying, and seeking God’s work in this. The end of this is not simply for my healing, but also for God’s glory to shine through the situation. Harm was done to me as a kid, adults didn’t handle it and words were being passed around. Now, it’s mine to take care of with God. I will prepare the letter with God and help from other sources of people. Then, I will share my needs with who can help me fight this battle. Keep in mind, “we do not fight against flesh and blood,” so it will not be to say I am right and you are wrong. It will be telling the truth in love and working to bring another to relationship with God and Jesus for His kingdom.
Are they a believer or not?
I am not sure if they are believers or not. They used to be in the Catholic faith. Do they have true relationship with God and Jesus? I don’t believe so. But God knows their heart. I want them to have what I have, which is a true relationship with God and Jesus. God can turn them around as He has for me. I am a sinner and fall short of the glory of God. This way, God has another warrior on His side that He can reach others with. Will I then hang out with them and seek to be around them? Probably not. But, they can reach others who have turned away like them as I have others who have been hurt like me. God has a purpose and plan for us all. What Satan meant for evil, God will turn to good.
What has made you so strong to think this way?
In January 2021, I was told by my counselor to use a concordance to reference to things in the Bible. If I wanted to know about love, I simply look it up and find all verses related to it for understanding on God’s love. My pastor at that time recommended Strong’s Concordance. Sometimes, I would look it up in the Concordance. Other times I would look for related verses through an online search. It depended on where I was and what I felt like. I would search a lot. Then, my searches would dwindle. I have ups and downs on how much time I spend in the Bible. I should spend a little more and really understand it, but distractions come. In short, I am doing it in God’s strength and not my own.
Have you always been this way?
I have believed in Jesus as a child. What happened to me was of humans having a choice. It was not intended that I would have to go through so much. My true relationship with God started around 2007 and has been gradually growing. Maybe even before that. It was a friend at Church who asked if I had accepted Jesus as my savior that sealed the deal. Later, early 2021, I was baptized fully immersed in the water. I grew up in the Catholic faith. Therefore, I have always know of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Now, I have been in real relationship with God since late 2020. I have been seeking God and His will gradually more and more than my own. That shows that I have not always been this way.
Is there anything else that can help me get to where you are?
Ask, Seek, and Knock. Humble yourselves to God, surrender your burdens to Him fully. Pray to God for help and guidance as you move in any one thing. My husbands perspective, that is down to help me brush my teeth, help me breathe, help me brush my hair, every little thing. Put God ahead of everything you do. Pray believing you will receive it. Ask God to help you through, not around your storms. He has a lesson in each storm you face that will make you stronger in relationship with Him. Trust God, not man. Our hearts can be deceitful. Pray, and tell the truth in love. That is what I am preparing to do. The more you practice this and move in it, the lighter you will feel.
My prayer for you…
Heavenly Father, thank you for everything you have done and are doing for us. Give us the right thing at the right time to do. Send us a small glimpses of your love for us and small gifts of joy we can see. Have the right support come as we need it in the way we need it. Not as we think we need it. Prepare our hearts for those around us that we will interact with and show us the whole picture. Help us see the need and state what is needed as it comes. Lend us your eyes in the situations around us and guide us in our gifts and how to use them. Thank you for your love and care for each of us. Cover us as we move through all situations and give us peace. In Jesus’ mighty and precious name, Amen.
A thankful heart is a happy heart…
If you have ever watched Veggie Tales, Madame Blueberry is so true. I have learned, once you are thankful for things and focus on thanks and not ungratefulness, you are happier. It doesn’t make sense until you put it into practice and realize life and death are in the power of the tongue. The more you speak life, the more good you have around you. The more you speak on the negative, the more negative you have around you. I love all the old Veggie Tales and their lessons. It is what gradually led me more and more into relationship with God. In the one on St. Patrick, it motivated me to pray 100 times a day. IYKYK. God can work and lead you in so many ways without you knowing it. God is so good and amazing. He made us amazing people. I love you, have a blessed life.