Grief is what God wants me to bring up this week. There are many forms of it. Grieving the loss of a loved one is a natural and common experience that most people will go through at some point in their lives. It is personal and individual; every person experiences it in different ways. One said that grief is a souvenir of love, a love that was unable to be expressed. Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, please seek a professional if you need help in any areas discussed. Warning: The memories I share may trigger something in you.
Possibilities…
In third grade the doctor diagnosed me with ADD. I realized that the doctors were incorrect in diagnosing me with ADD as it seemed to be trauma blocking my ability to learn. I was running the stressful situations in my life through my head repeatedly and I wasn’t sure how to process it. Somewhere along the way, I read that it’s likely that a child develops PTSD in the case of having both, which makes sense in my situation. Reflecting on other discussions, I now understand that the challenges I faced as a child align with the characteristics of complex trauma. This is my self-diagnosis.
Labels…
These are all labels that they put on what I have experienced in my life. I do not claim any of these labels to be a forever thing. They are not speaking life over my circumstances. If claim them, they will stay on me. I am healing from them as we speak. To heal from them, I need to go back through and process them. This is how my walk is. Keep in mind, yours may be different depending on your story and circumstances. For me, God is leading me and taking me through this gently. He is using this blog to help me. He wants others to know they are not alone and that they can have healing, too.
Trauma avoidance…
I didn’t know the depth of my trauma. There’s more I have learned as I have asked questions as an adult. I love my parents and family. They did the best with what they knew at the time. Some didn’t even really know what was going on. I was afraid to tell anyone. We were and are all learning, we have our own things we’re going through, and what happened, happened. God uses our pain to help us grow in our relationship with Him. Sometimes by having us use it to help others going through the same thing. At other times, to relate to what Jesus did as He suffered on earth and sacrificed His life on the cross for our sins. This builds a better relationship between God and us.
Stairs…
Several traumatic experiences may have occurred that left me in need of healing in my life. This could have taken place in the womb, through the birthing process, or at other times in my life trauma could have taken place. For me, I would get hurt physically at times. My brother with special needs found great amusement in watching things fall down the stairs, including me. He may have been learning spatial skills. Other times, my older sister and I would fight to get mom’s attention. As an adult now with kids of my own, I see that my mom was doing the best she knew how. She was in the learning process on how to navigate parenting with two typical kids and an atypical kid. This is the label they gave it at the time.
Care for my brother…
My brother took a lot of extra time and attention from my mom. He had appointments galore, which she took him to. She was fighting to get him the best options of care to have success in life. My mom worked hard and I appreciate what all she did for all of us kids. She had things of her own and had our needs to meet. This left me vulnerable to trouble. There were two people starting the grooming process on me. Along the way, a stranger had violated me. Feeling something was off, I tried to avoid and escape the situations that came. This was my problem solving strategy at that age. What I tried didn’t work. I was afraid. What could I do?
What I tried…
I would try and stay with the adults. They would shoo me away to have adult conversations. Next, I tried to stay with my older cousins and siblings. They didn’t want me to know what they were doing and tattle on them. The third option to have people around was with the little kids. They were watching baby shows that I didn’t want to watch. I would find myself alone and try to hide. I didn’t want to be found by him. If he found me, he would lure me to a secluded room or place. This would take place each time that individual was there. The other one took place at different gatherings. I tell you this to help you know that you are not alone if this happened to you. If there is a child or adult near you going through this, ask clarifying questions.
With all that was going on…
The only place I felt safe was with my grandma. I would go over to her house. She would babysit me and spend time with me. We would play board games, like Trouble, or talk. In the game, it would become leapfrog as we kept hopping over each other’s game pieces. It was such a relief to feel safe and have the cares of the world would disappear. What a gift God gave me through that time. I feel that pulled me through many difficulties in life. A way to escape the pain and grief.
Grief in death…
My grandma battled cancer and passed away. I was around 7 years old. She was the main hope I thought I had in the world. The main person who made me feel safe went away. They tried to help by telling me that she was sleeping. My mind raced as I thought to myself… “I go to sleep at night, what if I don’t wake up?” That was difficult and stressful for me. Encouraging me that it wasn’t bad that she died made it worse. Someone who truly gave me their undivided attention, love, and time was gone, forever. This is what I thought at the time. Now, I know there is hope. We will see each other again in heaven. The bible explains this in Matthew 7:13-14 amongst other areas.
Continued hurting…
I have been in grief over this for a big portion of my life. The only safe place in my family it seemed at the time. God brought other ladies into my life who talked and listened to me. Out of them, two of the three have passed. That and they are not my grandma. There was one who lived across the street and my mom’s cousin. The other lived around the corner. It’s too late to ask them how I was as a child, except the one left. How do you ask something like that? I don’t know how to bring it up. How much did they know what was going on at home. If I never ask, God knows.
What trauma can do in relationships?
This trauma has pushed friends away from me around the age of 9. I acted strange and was rejected for that. The stuff I had gone through and had learned made me different. I had a girl decide to stop being my friend, followed by two others. These girls would tolerate me in volleyball, soccer, and girl scouts only. Other friends rejected me to play with my older sister. I was left to myself and rejected over and over. It was devastating. I felt alone. There was one person in my life who endured similar circumstances. We were hurt people hurting together. Though we didn’t see it, God was with us. The rejection, Jesus bore. The pain, Jesus knew. Jesus bled and died for my sins and yours. He paid the cost for you and me on the cross.
How to escape?
To escape the thoughts, I would drown my sorrows in TV or food. The only other thing I had was playing alone. I would play with my Barbie, Ken, and the sitter with 3 babies. If not that, I would play cards with my dog or a board game. This was a literal dog. She was my comfort, my dog mom. If I was sick, she would lay with me. We did everything together. I had a dream that she was shot and killed. Thinking back, this was her sacrificing her life for mine. It was heartbreaking the day she died. It was not a good time in my life. She was the second hard loss I had after my grandma. Who I would get close to went away. It was hard.
Added to the mix…
I was a young lady starting high school. My mom had a surprise pregnancy and I was going to be a sister again. With that, it was time for our dog to be put down. Again, I didn’t understand. It felt like my mom had just had enough and didn’t care. I knew is that the dog had a tumor on her side and was going blind. What I didn’t know is that she would walk into the walls and get stuck and have many accidents inside. I was angry for a long time over her death. If my mom told me these things, I am not sure I would have listened to understand. I was hurting and distraught. If I sought understanding, it would have been easier for my emotional state.
Teenagers…
The pint up anger made me a very difficult teenager. The changes with a new baby sister, going into high school, my dog dying, and a change of schools. I went from a parochial grade school to a public high school. Around 50 kids in my class to 600+ kids. I learned that the faith we followed didn’t allow girls to read the bible. I chose to be rebellious and I read the bible. This is what helped me get through the storm I was in, God’s word. That and being told to meet a kid in each class, which I did. I took it as a new start in high school. That made it all not bad. My mood swings were all over the place. I would start to cry. I would cry harder. Calm myself down. Start laughing. Even back to crying, sometimes. What a mess of feelings.
What to do now?
This is just some of what was going on in life for me growing up. I need to grieve and feel the loss of what I didn’t have amongst other things. Forgive myself and love myself being another thing. At the time of the year these things took place, I hurt. As you may have deduced, holidays and get togethers are hard for me to do. With that, I need to take time, slow down, pay attention to my reactions, and move forward in understanding to heal. The wounds I hold are deep. I need to gradually feel them a little at a time and work through the pain, giving them to God as they surface. God is walking through this storm with me and I am on the road to full healing.
But God…
For my journey, God is my guide taking me gently through this process. He is helping me heal and learn how to be in relationship with Him and others. I am reading the Bible, His word, to see who I am in Him. Praying, resting, slowing down, and thinking through things to understanding me and Him. Listening more and more to God’s guidance as I walk through this road of healing. God used someone in my life to tell me I need to love myself. I don’t want to give love through an empty cup anymore. Through their pain and grief, they took time to tell me this. I learned that this is helpful to do. It takes the focus off of self and moves it to others. You can do this with encouraging words or praying for them.
A few more things to add…
I have been working through forgiveness for those involved. This has freed me from some bondage. Others might not realize what you are carrying from them. I choose to forgive them so I can be free. Jesus gave us this example when He declared, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.” He was saying that about us and our sinful nature. God is good. His ways are not our ways. They work. We need not lean on our own understanding. In all our ways, we should acknowledge Him and He shall direct our paths. I learned depression is not trusting God with your past and anxiety is not trusting God with your future. Trust God. This is a powerful thought to process. I pray for your healing as you join me on my journey with God. To God be the glory! Amen.