Hi! I sincerely apologize for not keeping up with one time a month of posts at the least. I disappointed myself and my goals in that and other areas. Avoiding is something I am fighting to get out of. It was a season of school wrapping up, summer starting, change in schedule, and a wedding. We had two concerts for the end of the school year one week after the other. I work outside of the home now, so there’s what to do to keep kids occupied while at work. It was my sister’s wedding. Everything went as smoothly as possible. It was fun and educational. My kids are not married, so I was watching to see what to anticipate when it comes. One lesson learned is to have a long table cloth at the brides table. Not because anything went wrong, just an observation.
What is healing?
Healing is basically paying attention to the things that are creating stress. Some of it is stepping back and taking a look at it, like a curious child. You feel a strong emotion, like anger. You think, why am I angry at this? Do I have a good reason for my anger? What is really beneath this feeling? What I learned is that anger tends to be a secondary emotion. That means, you are really having another emotion that you may be using to avoid other feelings. One of these feelings might be fear, hurt, or shame. Instead of feeling the primary emotion, you jump to immediate anger. So, for example, if you are caught in a lie, to avoid the shame you are feeling, you instead show anger. To heal, you need to step back and realize it’s shame that brought you to anger and face your true emotion.
What extra thing I have been doing…
In my anger, I am stopping it before it goes extreme. I am asking myself, is this worth the fracture or break to my relationship with this person. In my cases, the kids are who push my buttons the easiest. I feel my frustration building. My mindset and dance go like this: “My kid isn’t up for school. They are going to be late. I am at fault for my kid’s actions. I have to do all I can to drag them out of bed and get them to school on time. Last school year, I was on the verge of having a truant officer involved in my life. On top of that, the potential of court for the amount of tardies built up. That is not this school year. This school year is a little better, but I don’t particularly like being late.
Suggestions that came…
To tell you the truth, I heard what the principle did to get her kids out of bed. They suggested things that I didn’t want to have in return so I didn’t try them. In my mind I was thinking, “do unto others as you would want them to do unto you.” One of the ideas was splashing water on them to wake them up, not happening. When she was little, I did carry her from the house to the car. Then, when she was older, that wasn’t an option. The way I tried all those years was doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. In other words, insanity. What they were saying and what I tried didn’t work and weren’t going to work. It’s interesting when you realize that others are doing the same thing as you and they aren’t getting results.
What will help?
One thing that I came across in the last 5 years is that I wanted someone to listen to understand me. I learned this a few years before my oldest was of age to move out. Basically, in order to get something, sometimes you have to be the first to step forward and do it. My oldest child was in distress. I listened to understand. Her demeaner changed and there was no fight then and less fighting moving forward. Now, just because I took the first step, doesn’t mean I got it in return. Regardless, I did it. I wasn’t trying to fix her issue, I was listening and not judging the information, but trying to understand like a curious child. Her frustration tended to escalate me to frustration and I needed to show her how to act through my actions.
Applying this to the other child…
I want to start with I was the difficult child to wake up. In some ways, I can empathize with the difficulty awaking. School age and up I have been dealing with this child in this situation. The previous school year, I didn’t have the ability to be patient with this child knowing authorities could be involved. This year, she was better than the year before. We started off saying how important it was for her to be up. I stated to her, you have to be to school on time. That repetition helped. We allowed her as much control as possible, within reason. That meant, what time do you need to be up to be ready? Allowing her to think through that and problem solve for herself. Some days, being there early with her friends at school was enough. Other days, it didn’t seem to be on her mind.
Growing in patience…
Mornings were rough. I did try not to grow in anger while waking her up. Going back to treating someone the way I wanted to be treated. If I got too angry, I would knock loud on the door. After some time, I realized that I was showing her how to act in anger. Is this really how someone should act in anger? Is this training her up in the way that she should go? I needed to show self-control that I wasn’t taught fully growing up. It would ruin my whole day and hers if I got angry and had an outburst. That’s not what I wanted to do. I started to ask myself, “Is this matter worth breaking or fracturing my relationship with her? Is this how I want her to act when she is angry?” Gradually stepping away when I felt the anger rise up in me.
Was this easy?
Some days, I was extra frustrated knowing I had to be at work. She didn’t have to be at school till 9a, but I had a 20 minute drive from there to work and had to be there at 9:30a. In this world, we are conditioned to be in this mindset. Stressing and worrying about the wrong thing. Being to work or school on time is the wrong thing to worry about. Relationship is the true importance in this scenario. My relationship with my child, along with the importance of modeling self-control. Again, I wasn’t fully taught this. I was sent to my room to deal with my emotions. Back to her, I would try to distract myself and pull away when the emotions felt high. I wouldn’t talk about the issue in the heat of the moment anymore. I needed to calm my emotions and process it.
When did I talk to her about it?
I would do my best to talk to her about it the day of. Sometimes, it would be the next day. I would discuss it as a matter of fact. An example of this is, “you have to be to school on time.” Speaking to her as it’s her responsibility and it has to happen. That seems to get through to her. Since I am calm and have processed the situation away from it all day, she is more receptive to my conversation. If we have the conversation while we are both in high emotion, we get nowhere. Neither side is listening and it seems more of a control. When the emotion is not high, there is more ability to listen to understand. The walls are not up to defend ourselves in a verbal battle at that point.
Did I have this for all of their life?
Basically, I have learned this all in the last 5 years of my life. I am still working at getting better with it. My kids are now age 19, 17, and 14. Their ages 5 years ago would have been 14, 12, and 9. This would have been helpful a long time ago. I am still a work in process learning. (FAIL = First Attempt In Learning) What does this mean? I can use my new skills as my kids age up. When I have grandchildren, I will understand them more and what they need from what I am learning. That is why they are grandparents. Their kids are the practice and the more they realize how the kid reflects their actions, the more you can learn, adapt, and do better. Kids copy our behavior.
Do they really?
Our kids are a reflection of us. They show us what we look like. The actions they copy are not always with the same background of feelings we have when we make them. I see a kid eye rolling and then I see their parent do it. There’s a saying, “more gets caught than taught.” This phrase I read recently in the book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. Before the book, I started to see the way that my kids copied my behavior. My behavior has changed for the better. I humbled myself, asked God for help, and worked through some of the things I would do and why I would do them. That’s why when I listened to understand, the tension broke. My relationship with her became better in God’s perfect timing.
More about the book…
This is how I know I needed the book. Last time I was in a study with How We Love, it was cut short. Our leader was in a car accident. I like to avoid reading and didn’t continue when the group paused. We didn’t end up coming back together after her accident. This title came on the radio one night in the last few months. I went online and did their online quiz, finding that I am a Vacillator love style as the top. This type of love style can vacillate between all of the love styles mentioned in the book. The love styles are the avoider, pleaser, vacillator, and chaotic (being the controller and victim). With this, I started to read the book again. I managed to read 2 chapters a day, where it was an audiobook read to me. I have more to go.
First came the book, and then…
I have the book going and the workbook. It is teaching me things about myself and those around me. In the midst of things, I am forgiving myself and others. Instead of going to anger, I am learning to feel and deal with my emotions more. That is something it asks, were you taught to properly feel and deal with your emotions. There should have been someone helping you to articulate what you were feeling with some “soul words.” As you saw above, that didn’t happen for me. I have bitterness and resentment for my upbringing. But God… He gave me a gift through my mom having a memory box for me. That is all the things she kept over the years from school and other projects. I found a poem I wrote which is in the poem section. I need to go through and find the date.
Why is the box a gift?
My mom was home and not always available. Seeing the box and the contents of it shows me her thoughts towards me. She wasn’t always able to give me what I needed when I needed it, but she was thinking about me. As I child, I felt alone, unwanted, pushed away, and not needed. They needed me to do chores and help make dinner, but not much else. For other things, I felt pushed away. This is how my mind thought through these times. Traumatizing events happened that were almost taken care of and then not. In other words, I wasn’t feeling fought for. It hurt. I have had and still probably have some wounds that need healing from this. Reading my thoughts in my old journals and my school work help me see me.
Bad vs Good memories…
You see, I focused on the bad things. They outweighed the good things. There is a part of my childhood that is blocked in my memory. I remember bad things, but hardly anything good. There were good things I can remember, but bad was what I dwelt on back then. A bad memory, but not, was when the car broke down on our way to the zoo. I remember that we were with a relative that we spent more time with knowing that if anything happened to my parents that we would live with them. Good memories are of us singing commercials on vacation road trips. Nowadays, I notice that good memories come when people are like innocent children in awe and pure joy. I am focusing more on the good.
Have I always done things this way?
In another evaluation quiz, I am considered a pessimist. What I do is think of the worse case scenario in each situation, not so much now. Once I have the worse case scenario secretly in my mind, it usually isn’t worse than what I could think up. This almost felt like optimism, but is likely false. I rarely speak my worst thought out loud, but in my mind. Knowing the worst case and prepared to mentally deal with the emotions that would come with the outcome. I felt better knowing it couldn’t be any worse than what I imagined. Looking this up, they call it catastrophizing. It shows up in people with anxiety, according to AI. The pessimist evaluation also said my stress level was 99/100 and catastrophizing contributes to a constant state of stress. Something to add to the list of things to do and work towards my healing.
Was everything done on purpose?
In my upbringing, my mom was doing the best she could with not dealing with her own hurts. She had 5 kids to raise and take care of. She wasn’t purposefully trying to hurt me. I had to do dishes or cook dinner alone sometimes. Now, I know it could be selfishness, exhaustion, or the kid not doing the chore they were told. It wasn’t done in ways that I would have wanted them at that time. At that time, I couldn’t articulate my needs. Simply put, I wanted to spend good quality time with my mom and dad. But instead, I learned to stuff my feelings and deal. I grew in bitterness and resentment of what I had to deal with. I wasn’t thankful for what I did have. Now, reflecting and having kids of my own, I have more understanding.
What does that look like now?
My mom is working on her healing. I am working on my healing. We are going to continue our work and heal our generations and our children’s children. The more we work on our relationship with God and having His help in our healing, the easier it will be to succeed. I want to break generational curses or iniquities for my family line. I don’t want to leave them for my kids to fight and have it harder than if I fought it. Some areas I am better than others. I am a work in progress. With God, all things are possible. I am working on trusting Him and showing Him with my actions. He is placing things where they need to go and amazing things are promised that will come to pass.
What amazing things has He shown me?
He has shown me that a tree will fall, indicating heritage breaking. To me, that means generational curses or iniquities being broken. He has shown me a ministry that is coming together gradually. I have some pieces to this puzzle of work and more to come. So many willing and will be able to help me in God’s ministry plans. He has shown us that my husband will reach many and has had trials to prove that is true. Please pray our eyes are open to Satan’s attacks as they come each day we get closer to God’s purpose and plan for our lives. A potential for more generational problems being broken in many families lives. Our side is for a men’s ministry, our friend has a heart for a women’s ministry counterpart in the same way. All with God at the front or it will fail. Therefore, God’s battle.
Now and Later…
God is working on things now and later to help us in this plan. The things He is helping me heal from my foggy perception as a kid and teenager. An awakening in my children and their work and relationship with God that they are quietly realizing. They are doing work for God and don’t have an awareness of their gifts and works. I am the same way. Others see my gifts and how I am working with the Holy Spirit and I wasn’t aware. It has been activated in me since my childhood. God works in ways we don’t realize, but when they come to fruition, amazing. God can use anyone to spread His message. One time, I was not happy with an individual who shared something with me. I knew it was a message from God through this person.
I came across a passage. I don’t remember what it said exactly. Something along the lines on how God’s message for us can be given through someone we wouldn’t expect. Maybe even someone we wouldn’t normally or ever talk to. In other words, He works in mysterious ways. His ways are not our ways and His thoughts not our thoughts. That person above stopped, looked at me, told me that I would have the same issue if I moved to relationship with another person. In fact, I didn’t even realize where my thoughts were going at that time. Soon after, I realized that I was wanting to end a friendship and move to another friendship. The grass is not greener on the other side. With any relationship you can have issues. This was not from someone I thought highly of at the time.
God uses everything…
Keep your eyes peeled for anything God is trying to show you and awaken you to. He can use your kids, people who are older, people who are younger, anyone and anything. Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12) They may be young, but they can teach you. They might be older and more stuck in their ways, but they can teach you. Some is by watching and observing and thinking. That child seems so carefree and full of joy. Why does God want us as His children? What does that mean? What does that look like? The older person has seen a lot and is still going. What’s their story? What did they learn that can help me?
Look everywhere…
What does the bible say about ants? What is the significance of that? God likes to talk about eagles. What do they do with their young? How does that apply to me and my story? God talks of birds and knowing every one, even when they fall. Since it was talked about in our Sunday service, I have seen 2 fallen birds. God refers to flowers and many things. What do they all mean for me? Then, those “Hi God” moments where it involves something special to you or someone close to you. I have seen deer, geese, cardinals, doves, chipmunks, rabbits, a raccoon, an albino squirrel, a crane, and more. Then move to numbers and you have a whole other ball game. The number 8 meaning new beginnings. Seven is God’s number. Six for humans.
The Bible…
This story is full of things for so many people. If you like rocks and stones, they’re in there. Move over to finances, they have that. Relaxing and fishing, or for work and the significance of that. They might have something on cosmetology and things for the skin. I am not sure if there are specifics on this, I need to read more. There are shepherds, farmers, carpenters, builders, cooks, bakers, jewelers, soldiers and more. I’m sure you could find a little bit on any job in some way. Then, what is the significance of the job mentioned? What does the job entail? What is the purpose of what they do? Is there something I can take from their lesson that applies to my life.
Our Stories…
Our story is a continuation of the Bible. We are adding our testimonies of God’s work and miracles in our lives. This saves others and brings them to Him as long as we keep Him at the head. In the study of Gideon, he didn’t keep God at the front as who won the battle. He didn’t take credit, but he didn’t refute the praise he was given for God’s work. If we do that, we can learn and realize we were warned of this happening through a bible story. Our job is to recognize, take responsibility for our actions, and turn away from our sin. God first as the only victor in each of these situations in our lives. Trust Him and give Him the credit due to Him. Invite Him in to fight and win our battles and Trust He Can with our words and actions.
Prayer…
Heavenly Father, You are the most important being in this world. Help us to see You and be in right relationship with You. Lead us on Your path and guard us from the fiery darts of the enemy. We want what You have for us that we don’t deserve and could never earn without Jesus’s loving sacrifice for us. Help us know and keep this at our forefront of the issues that come around us. Lead us to You in every trial and tribulation You told us would come with relationship with you. Lead us in paths everlasting. Thank You for Your unfailing love for us despite our downfalls. Please, lift up any individual in their situation and guide them through. Thank You for Your help in our time of need when we ask and trust You and Your Word. We lift this up to You, in Jesus’ name, Amen.