I realize it’s been over a month since my last post. Since then, I have been dealing with my hurt inner child coming out. I don’t know what age this child is. There is an inner part of me that is crying out in pain periodically. This pain is not present pain, but past pain being triggered by the present that has not been worked through and healed. You can name the pain bitterness and resentment, two kinds of things that are a heavy burden to carry. Some days are easier than others. These issues can cause a whirl of medical issues in your body if held too long. I am dealing with inner turmoil that needs to be worked through, or I am in trouble. Others holding these issues in have had big problems such as intestinal issues, cancer, strokes, heart attacks, and more.
I have a choice…
I can choose to do what I have always done and hold on to these issues. The other thing I can do, is let God help me through these issues. Cast your cares on Him for He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7) I am 40 years old and have had issues all of my life. Something has got to give. My health needs to be taken care of and carrying this any longer is not good. I took a personality quiz that said my stress is 99/100. With that amount of stress, you can imagine how easy it is to break down in one way or another. I have learned at a young age to stuff my feelings and move forward. There is a mask on my face that holds things I have blocked from myself and even I don’t know are there. That’s a lot.
What happens when the child comes out?
When the child comes out, I allow the feelings and tears to flow. There is a limit of time for this. I am cry and mourn my grief. The grief comes from many different angles of things that happened. I was a victim of several crimes. The adults in my life didn’t stand up for me. I didn’t even stand up for me. I was hurt and turned away in my perspective, while the predator was accepted. There were many years of me feeling sorry for myself from childhood through my teen years. Then my feelings being stuffed and ignored, pushed down, and not dealt with. After the hard cry, I calm myself. I would think through and talk to myself so I can process what happened. Addressing the child with information I know as an adult now.
Night processing…
I am on the go a lot in movement and in my mind. With that, it’s hard to slow down and even think of what I can do and what I need to heal. Recently, God has been showing me in my dreams what is agitating me. These are all parts of the puzzle to my frustration and grief. In one dream, I was around two people arguing and one treating the other badly. It makes me mad when people mistreat each other for what seems to be no reason. Later in this dream, I said I couldn’t talk while a child was in the room and the other adult kept pushing me to talk. They wouldn’t listen to my “no.” What they wanted me to talk about was about the child that was in the room. In that scenario, I wasn’t being respected.
Another night…
In this other dream, I asked a question of someone. I stood next to them, waiting for an answer. Others came after me and asked and had an answer, while I was still waiting. In this scene, I feel ignored and a burden. It switched to me driving with another adult in the vehicle. They sat in the back, like a child, and when we arrived to the location I then had to carry all of our luggage by myself. I feel that this luggage is a heavy burden I keep picking up. The other adult is capable, but is not willing to help. With that, I become over responsible and take on more and more. Not that they are always a burden, but they are physically able to help and choose not to. This is why I feel exhausted more than not.
To add on…
I have had a lifetime of things being put on me that belonged to other people. It has made me feel used, unappreciated, and worthless. I can do nothing for them and they don’t care about me. I can do everything for them and they don’t care about me. That begs the question, why am I around these people? That moves to some of these people are family. Others may be at my work place or other areas in life. I do my part and then some. Others don’t want to put forth the effort in the way I choose to. It feels unfair and exhausting. I will give it my all and sometimes more and it isn’t enough. They want more and more and more. They take and I give, with no appreciation.
Is it a burden?
When they are taking and not being responsible, it’s a burden. They could look at your life and see how they are adding too much to your plate, but they don’t. You have to put up a boundary and say to these people that your plate is full. For others, it isn’t a burden. Why? They ask for help when they really need the help. They aren’t taking advantage of your kindness. After asking for help, they receive your help in the way they need it. Afterward, they share their appreciation for what you did. There are people who really need the help and ask. However, there are those who don’t need the help, ask to not have to do it alone or at all, then move forward giving the task to someone else. Everyone can do this as we are humans. Some do it more than others.
That last bit…
I asked, is it a burden, because I feel like a burden. Since I have been used, I don’t want to use others. This isn’t to say that I never have done it and I’m perfect. In some ways, I have done it. I ask for food to be made for me that I don’t feel like cooking. That is why I stated that we all can do this as humans. I am capable of cooking what I want, but I want someone else to take on something for me sometimes. In this scenario, I don’t want to take the time to cook. I then take their time to have them cook for me. It’s hard for me to ask for help because I worry about the other person taking on too much and not speaking up for their needs. Thus, being a burden to them is hard to navigate.
Back to the top…
I found this: Bitter people feel that they have been hurt, misused and abused. The hurt may have been intentional, unintentional, imagined. When a bitter person is hurt, and he or she doesn’t deal with the problem, it is internalized. They begin to dwell on it; they begin to mull it over and over, and over again. With that being said, it basically explains what I did as a child. The enemy used this tactic on me. I dwelt so many years on my bitterness. Each year, nothing was being done to correct the hurt or problem. Everyone, except me, seemed to move forward without an issue. Like nothing happened. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself and take care of my basic needs.
What the Bible says about bitterness…
See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; (Hebrews 12:15) In short, bitterness defiles you. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give the devil an opportunity. (Ephesians 4:26-27) Holding onto bitterness is an open door for the devil to have opportunity. Their mouth is full of cursing and bitterness; (Romans 3:14) If you read above and below this verse in Romans, it states all fall short of the glory of God. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came so that they would have life, and have it abundantly. (John 10:10) Satan wants you to stay in this place of sin.
What about Resentment?
I found this: Resentment is a passive, weak emotion that has no place in the Christian life. If there is injustice, we should deal with it through prayer and godly action. If there is insult, we should concentrate on who we are in Christ and not place too much value on the cruel words of others. If we face injustice in the course of our work for God, we should accept it as to be expected. And if God allows us to be dishonored for the sake of sanctification, the best, least painful response is to repent and allow Him to work in us. That’s a good perspective. In short, if we focus on the life and speak life, it will add to our life. If we focus on the negative and speak death, it will keep us in distress.
What does the Bible say about resentment?
All bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice. This is done with God for His glory. (Ephesians 4:31) Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written: “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, ” says the Lord. (Romans 12: 19) God knows their hearts and ours, He is the best option of giving the right revenge. “Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned. (Luke 6:37) This is hard, but necessary. It was harder to find verses using the word resentment, but these are some of the verses that came up in my search.
How do you get out?
The simple answer, forgiveness. I am going to use B for me and G for God. B- But, they did me wrong. G- Yes, they did. B- They should have to pay for what they did to hurt me. G- Yes, they will reap what they sow and I will give revenge from a righteous place. B- Ok, but how will I know how and when you took care of that revenge part? G- That is not for you to worry about. Cast your cares on me and I will take them, for My yoke is easy and My burden is light. (Matthew 11:30) In other words, God knows your hurt. He understands you better than anyone in the universe. His ways are not your ways and His thoughts are not your thoughts. But God is good.
Why do I forgive?
And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. (Matthew 6:12) God will forgive us of our sins if we forgive others. As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our wrongdoings from us. (Psalm 103:12) After we forgive others, it opens the door for God to forgive us our sins. As humans, we forgive and pick up the hurt again. As God, he will cast our sins far and deep to not be found. Who is God like You, who pardons wrongdoing and passes over a rebellious act of the remnant of His possession? He does not retain His anger forever, because He delights in mercy. He will again take pity on us; He will trample on our wrongdoings. Yes, You will cast all their sins into the depths of the sea. (Micah 7: 18-19)
More on Forgiveness…
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you for your offenses. (Mark 11:25) I have learned that Forgiveness doesn’t happen in one go for all of the offenses. Sometimes, we pick it back up and need to forgive the person again. I want to add something. We can forgive them and don’t necessarily have to go to them and tell them they are forgiven of their sin. I ask that you pray and consider each circumstance and allow God to lead you to when you need to speak to a person and when it’s not necessary or safe to do so. God knows all.
Then this…
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:10-11) God is the best chance we have on this earth. He wants us to live on earth and then join Him in eternity when we die. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:2) One way of transforming your mind is focusing on what you’re thankful for instead of the negative thoughts.
And One more ting (thing)…
Submit therefore to God. but resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God and He will come close to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable, and mourn, and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning, and your joy into gloom. Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you. Do not speak against one another, brothers and sisters. The one who speaks against a brother or sister, or judges his brother or sister, speaks against the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge of it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you, budging your neighbor? (James 4: 7-12) This one feels hard.
My Confession…
Heavenly Father, I have sinned and fallen short of Your glory. I have spoken against brothers and sisters and I now realize this is wrong. Please, forgive me of my sin. I am weak in this area. God, I need your help. Help me see who I have spoken against and how I have wronged them in doing so. Then, I need help to not do this to others moving forward. In my weakness, God, You are my strength and I need You. I cannot do it without You on my own. I need Your help, God, and want You to get all glory and honour and praise for my growth. Thank you for helping me through. I lift this up, in Jesus’ mighty and precious name, Amen.
My prayer for you…
Heavenly Father, I lift up the audience of this post. Please, meet them where they are at and help them in their walk of healing. Their way of healing may take place a different way than what You have me doing through this blog. Guide them in any area of hurt or lack. Bless them in their relationships, health, finances, and any other avenue they need You in the middle of. We need You, Heavenly Father, in every little detail of our life. Without You, we are nothing. We thank you that You love us and are here for us, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Thank You when You speak to us and when You are silent. Help us learn through each storm. I thank You, Lord, for all You do and all that You are. We lift this up to You, in Jesus’ name, Amen.
Lastly but not least…
Thank you for your patience with me as I am not consistent with my posts. I am a person. I make goals and don’t keep them in the way I plan to. God is working with me on this. Here are some words of affirmation for you: I love you. You are amazing, valuable, and worthy of love and care. You are a beloved child of God. A beautiful daughter of the Most High King. You are worth fighting for. Jesus died for you because you are worthy of His love. You are enough and not a burden. A treasure filled with joy. God fully knows you and abundantly loves you. Be here now. You are seen and heard. Redeemed in Christ. You are infinitely loved. <3