If you like numbers, I started to log in to post at 5:55p EST. Hi! I hope you all are well. As usual, I apologize for taking so long to post. I was aiming for 1 time a month and missed July. Now, my aim is the 1st and 11th of each month, since the scripture is based off Hebrews 11:1, the God who sees. Today is the 11th of August, I know of 2 kids in the emergency room for 2 separate reasons. That makes me grateful that neither of them are mine and that mine are healthy and safe. July was a down month for me, that phrase for me equals depression. I had people surrounding me who were sad for their reasons, and then my own reasons for sadness. That made it hard to get through, but here we are.
Is the sadness gone?
No, the sadness is not gone, just hidden. But God worked at service for me this past Sunday and Wednesday night service. It is lighter than it was before, because of what God is showing me through it, but it’s lingering. I am trying to let it linger less and less. Today, I worked on captivating some thoughts that came to me as I was working. The last few nights, I have been focusing on reading and absorbing some Psalms. This year, I have a senior and a freshman. As I was a freshman in high school, God brought me to Psalms out of rebellion with my faith. It was brought to my attention that females weren’t allowed to read the bible. In that case, I took it as a challenge and read Psalms, and here we are again.
What did God give me to help?
He gave me prayer warries to bear up my burdens in the Holy Spirit, without even telling them what was going on they prayed. Pastor even mentioned the heaviness of things in the room. I was anointed on the forehead and given a prayer cloth. It reads, “Happy moments, praise God. Difficult moments, seek God. Quiet moments, worship God. Painful moments, trust God. Every moment, thank God.” I have been feeling alone a lot more, as I go through what is coming up. This cloth is tied to my wrist to remind me of God’s presence and the prayers spoken over me. I don’t know the exact prayers, but they lifted things off of me and I am trying to leave them with God and not pick them up again.
What else is God showing me that helps?
He is showing me that what I am going through, Jesus endured. He endured hardship with family members. There was rejection and conflict that He endured as well. Anything I am going through, He endured first. Another thing He is showing me, is that He yearns for relationship with me as I do with others. I may be putting others before God and I need to go back to vertical relationship with Him which helps with horizontal relationship with others. The order is God first above anyone, then spouse (if you’re married), then children, and then people outside of the home. This can get questionable as to what the right order is outside of your household, but ask God and He will illuminate the right order.
What can cause sadness?
There are many areas that can cause sadness. It can be in relationships, loss, change, giving up of the old self, and more. For me, with my past, it goes with relationship. I struggle to know how to have a good relationship with people. My niceness has had me run over and used, so I need to move to kindness. What’s the difference? Niceness is often superficial and motivated by a desire to be liked or avoid conflict. Kindness, on the other hand, stems from genuine empathy and a desire to help others, even if it’s not always the easiest or most immediately pleasing course of action. I use both, but need to move away from doing things for people to like me or to avoid conflict. Avoiding conflict is something I am good at, but need to move away from.
Do I know how to be kind?
I do have genuine desire to help others, but don’t want to enable them to stay in the same cycle. For instance, my kid asks for help to clean their room with their mess. I go to help and they walk away or fight me on what needs cleaned. In the past, I have taken over and cleaned the mess for them over and over. This is what the cycle of enabling does, leaves it on my lap when it’s not my responsibility. When my kids move out, they won’t have me doing this for them. To be kind is to train them how to handle the work themselves and not do it for them. I do not plan on going over to their houses and cleaning for them when they are adults. However, depending on the situation, I may be kind and help them with things when they ask.
What made me go to being kind vs. nice?
I came across a simple saying that says, “Rescuing someone who continues to make poor choices is not called love. It’s called enabling. Stop enabling and refuse to be a safety net, so they can grow up.” In a lot of ways, I have been the safety net. I am reliable to a fault. There are things that I am doing that aren’t even my responsibility. That causes a lot of stress and work for me that’s unnecessary. This happened because I know and learned how to pick up the other half of the load. If I see a need, I fill a need. I read recently about showing love means that you try not to be a burden to others. That then explains the issues you are having. I still need to look at how to heal this or change this cycle in me.
What is Family?
The people who don’t make you question your worth. They are emotionally supportive during times of struggle, bearing up your burdens in prayer. These people celebrate you. They respect your boundaries. In a pickle, they will have your back. They won’t take you for granted. These are the people you can call on and rely on to communicate, “yes I can help or no I can’t at this time.” They won’t leave you guessing. Families have people you can safely share your emotions with. They are not toxic to each other, not spreading rumors. If they are, then I would pray if space is needed for a time. Family is not being critical of others. In that scenario, they don’t stop loving you, they stop loving themselves. There are more things that could be added. What is family to you?
What do I do now?
Where should my focus be? Jesus’ focus was past the grave when He endured the suffering of the cross for our sins. My focus should be on eternity and not on the world we live in. There are things I can do in this world while I am here, but my hearts desire should be for eternal life in heaven. The things of this world will pass away. Our lives are but a vapor in the sight of eternity. Anything we are facing will pass. In the middle of it, it feels like forever. It really won’t be forever, though. We can live in each moment and enjoy no matter what the circumstances are. Which brings to mind another reason it has been awhile since the last post. I went into the emergency room June 7th, the day after my last post, and soon after had appendectomy surgery.
What happened?
I was on track with God and in step with Him when this happened. There was a conference coming up I was going to offer to sing on stage for. The first time I would be on stage since kid events you sing for in school. I had my blog post done. We worked as a team to clean the basement. I took my grandpa to Church. Then, my sides started hurting and when I had left, I knew that I had to go into the ER. My symptoms pointed to appendicitis. My husband told my daughter that I would just need to have surgery, and it would be fine. I wasn’t convinced that was what it was till the doctor told me 2 hours later. It could have been many things. To me, this was a spiritual attack.
Emergencies and me…
I went into the mode for emergencies. There was the shock of the information and not having time to really consider anything, surgery was coming. I had this need to know all the steps so I could accept them and move forward. As I waited, God showed me all sorts of ways that He was with me. I should have been screaming in pain, but I was breathing through the pain like you would for early contractions. The pain wasn’t bad because it didn’t burst before surgery. I had to wait for the next day for surgery, when it was 11p or so at night that I found out what was wrong. What was I to do with the time? I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. It has to be filled with something.
What I did with the time…
At first, I turned on the TV. I didn’t know what time morning meant. I needed to know before I could rest. While waiting, the TV channel was 88 and it was Christian music. The first song that played was, “the King is in the Room.” After a while, I decided to watch a movie. One movie was blocked, so I turned to Field of Dreams. All I remembered from when I watched it years ago was it saying, “if you build it, they will come.” It turns out I got that quote wrong. The quote is, “if you build it, He will come.” I applied that to God and building here for His kingdom work. The nurse finally let me know that my surgery would be closer to 7a when it was 1a.
In the Waiting…
I decided to sleep some while waiting for the time of my surgery to be given. I think I slept 3 hours. It turned out that I had to wait to 7a for them to add me to the list. Thier list came in order of who was in more severe need. I was last on the list (Matthew 19:30), but it ended at 11a. They were able to start a little sooner, so when Church was going, I was under. Everything went smoothly. I awoke in more pain than what I had the day before while waiting. The pain meds didn’t cover it. I had to be given some strong stuff at the hospital. When they sent me home, I was down to shifting between Tylenol and Motrin 800. The probiotic took care of the gas pain from them blowing up your belly for a laparoscopic surgery.
Laparoscopic before…
I have had these types of surgeries before. My first 2, I used Activated Charcoal to help with the CO2. But check this out. I had no issues with the first surgery. With my second surgery, a few years after the first, they gave me too much for my anesthesia. That made me stay overnight. Soon after, I put the first dog down, where they tell me how it happens. I knew it was a shot that put animals down, but I didn’t realize it was an overdose of anesthesia. This was an awakening to the fact of not being promised tomorrow. As you see, God has gifted me many tomorrows since then. This time around, I advised them on the fact that I was given too much anesthesia last time, so don’t give me that amount. They listened and I was sent home the same day as surgery.
Why not fill the pain meds when you get home?
For one thing, the only cause of pain from these surgeries seems to come from the gas they blow up your stomach with. Secondly, I used to work in a pharmacy. You learn that people will see you filled a strong prescription and will do all they can to get ahold of it. They can track down the meds because of their addiction and needing to fill it giving them the motivation. Therefore, to me, if you don’t need it, leave it at the pharmacy. They tell you this with ADHD medication and other pain meds. It was not worth the risk in that way. Thirdly, I needed to be alert and functional. I may be on leave from work, but others that live at home work. That leaves me to take care of me. My kids and husband helped, but I struggle with rest.
Did you take off work?
I took off of work the first week. By the second week, I returned to work with weight restrictions. Most of my work involves deskwork. There are some lifting needs, but they were done by others for a time. Even through I returned to work, I adhered to the 4 weeks of lifting no more than 15 lbs. for the most part. I was handed a package for delivery that was shifted from the window to the desk, so it may have been too much. It may have been more than that for weight restrictions, but close to 4 weeks. That’s where others at home and at work lifted the things and I was willing to let them help. I feel God was working on me with this. Showing the willingness to help in times of need along with others potential.
They only let you have a week off?
I was given 2 weeks off with a doctors note. With me doing part-time in all the places I work, if I’m not working, I’m not paid. I work less than 20 hours a week at each place and needed the income. Again, I don’t rest well. Another thing God is working on me in is rest. My motion is go, go, go. I pick up all the slack and move because it needs to be done. I am transitioning out of this cycle. The proof is in the kitchen. My sink is full with dirty dishes most days. It looks like my apartment when I lived there. The sink was full because I would wash a dish to use it, then put it right back after using it. Logical, no. I just had something with dishes as a chore growing up that made me averse to them.
Earlier mentioned…
I said that the sadness was hidden. In my life, I have learned to mask my pain. I do this so well that I don’t even know what pain I am masking. Being with my grandparents before needing to go to the ER, I didn’t show my physical pain. We continued in cards until our normal time so as to not distress them. When I walked out, I told my family that I need to go to the ER and they were surprised I was in pain. This happens on the daily. My emotional pain is hidden and pushed down. Some call this feeling stuffing. This is unhealthy for you and can cause several physical issues for you. It may be part of the reason appendicitis was my diagnosis. With my stress so high, it could lead to cancer or heart issues as well. Others have it affect them differently.
Masking…
Every day, I feel a pain. Sometimes physical, but other times emotional. Physical is like nothing compared to emotional. My emotional pain has been so high that when people asked how I was after surgery, I was fine physically. The only pain that I wasn’t fine with was the emotional distress I have had all my life since childhood. Something big in my emotions happened as a child. They were not met with true concern. So, move on because they have all this going on and can’t deal with my stuff. I understood the other things going on. But still, “what about me?” “Am I not worth your time?” I would think. The typical, “no one wants me everybody hates me lies came to my mind.”
Victim vs. Perpetrator…
I was the victim of something. It put me in fear. My worst fears came to life. What was a big deal to me was met with a mix of things. Lets fix it this way or that way. This is how you deal with that issue. Help the perp get better and leave the victim to fend for themselves. At that time, this is what happened. I was a child left to deal with so much alone. People didn’t understand. All it really took was taking time to communicate and work with me through the issues. Instead, they didn’t know what to do and you are talking to everyone on the phone about what to do and what happened. Something similar happened to them and they didn’t deal with it and didn’t know how to handle it.
What they did do…
They took me to a counselor. A case was started but stopped due to me having to face a court at a young age and testify. The counselor made a bigger mess and made me not see a counselor again until I was an adult. I didn’t trust counselors after that. Starting with a counselor at 9 years old to be shown human error. She took my stuff and made it into a bigger mess for no reason. Every way that I was to “get help” was messed with. Why? Spiritual warfare on our family line. Generational iniquities that need to be broken. To attest to this, I almost didn’t make it out of the womb. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck coming out. Did I know about this warfare before? No, but I see it now.
Now what?
Learn what God says about me. See how He loves me as no one else ever could. Prepare the way for His kingdom work. Stop focusing on the small things that happened or are happening. Forgive where you need to forgive. Work where and how you need to work. Look to His coming and prepare. Invite others along the way. The most important thing on this Earth is when Jesus returns. Money isn’t important, things aren’t important, anything that can be an idol isn’t important. God is the most important and relationship with Him. Where are you today? Why did God let this happen? That’s how some see things. Then look at Job. He lost everything as God allowed the attack from Satan. Job blessed God and was given double when he didn’t know that would happen.
Does that mean God wants bad to happen?
God knew Job’s heart and how he would react to the situation. He doesn’t want bad to happen. In our pain, He is in pain. When we are full of joy, He is full of joy. Every emotion we are feeling, God is feeling it just as deep if not deeper than us. When we blame Him and turn away from Him, He is feeling a deep hurt. Yet, He still loves us. He loves us so much that He gave us a choice. Eternal life with Him, or not. Choose Him and life, or choose death. It can be confusing as you die to self and live for Him. That’s dying to sin and fleshly desires and moving towards Him. I am about to thrive as many of us are moving towards. Satan doesn’t want that to happen. But God, He will see us through.
A little more…
If you haven’t heard this recently, “you are loved, you are desired, you are wanted, and you are needed.” Not in a secular way, but unconditionally from the Heavenly Father above. Healthy love listens, learns, takes accountability without making you feel guilty for needing the clarity, peace, or reassurance. Communication is key. Listen to understand. Jesus was quiet and asked God for direction before speaking or doing. He would take a pause and check in with His Father. We can do that, too. God wants relationship with us. He will accept us where we are at, but we can’t stay there. I am so excited to see God’s purpose and plan for your life unfold. Trust Him, lean into Him, know Him, and the truth shall set you free.
<3 Biz, or as my daughter keeps calling me Bizzy Queen. A Queen in the Kingdom working for God and His glory.
Prayer,
Heavenly Father, thank you for all of the wonderful people you have created. Thank you for making each of us a piece of the puzzle as we work together as the body of Christ. Help us see what we need to see and move where we need to move. Lead us out of the depths of what is holding us back and spring us forward. We desire Your will in our life that is more than we can ask, think, or imagine. Thank you for loving us and helping us, even when we feel we don’t deserve it. Open the hearts to those around us and wake up the sleepers. Shake them to the core to see the time coming. Help us work and look for You and Jesus’ coming. No one knows the day or the hour. We are not promised tomorrow. Help us live in the moment as the birds of the air and all the creatures and life you demonstrated for us. We thank you for everything you do that we see and don’t see. Holy Spirit, fill in the gaps we don’t know in prayer. Thank you, Holy Spirit for knowing the depths of our hearts. Thank you for trading our ashes for beauty. We lift this up to You, in Jesus’ mighty and precious name, Amen.